Proposed rules: Pump Track Worlds

Let’s say you’re all hanging out, pump pump pumping, and someone decides it’s time to name a champion. Until the National Pump Track Association gets formed, anyone can hold the world championships. Here’s my proposal:

Qualifying

Whoever happens to be there that day, that’s your field. Brian Lopes isn’t in your back yard? Too bad for him; guess he’s not today’s World Champ.

Events

Speed: Time three laps. Let people start somewhere they can get some speed, then start/stop the timer at some landmark. The patio, the hot tub, the sleeping Lab, whatever. No pedalling allowed!

Endurance: Time 10 laps … or 20 … or 100. Whatever will hurt the best. Same rules.

Teams: How about this? Two- or three-person teams, most laps in an hour. 24 Hours of Pump!

Pursuit: Now this is brutal. Qualify everyone with three laps, then form brackets a la dual slalom. Riders start on opposite ends of the track. Get caught and you’re out. If the riders are close in skill and fitness, this can drag out forever. He who pukes last wins!

Awards

Since anyone can declare a Pump Track Worlds any time they want, don’t waste time on a plaque. Just let the glory be the reward. That and the knowledge you beat Lopes.